Touched and awakened in my sleep.
I know it’s been a while since I last wrote to you beloveds! I needed a moon break to restore myself and couldn’t help but to share one of biggest breakthroughs on this Full Moon and Eclipse with you!
This is a personal post about when sexual energy is misunderstood and as a result breakdowns happen and possibly traumatic events. My commitment is that your sexual energy is fully received, appreciated, and celebrated! I also have a free gift in this moon love letter that can help you discover more precisely the kind of sexual energy you are which can contribute to having the most fulfilling sex life! If you are interested in this gift please read below!
It was 7 AM when I was startled awake by my hands being touched without my consent. I was exhausted and recovering from receiving an amazing massage the day before that I fell asleep on my friends couch. I woke up because my friend’s boyfriend grabbed my hand and began caressing it. Regardless if his action was to wake me up to check in with me to see if I was comfortable or not, I was not prepared to handle what occurred to me at that time as a disturbance, or a wake up call, which is still unfolding. I was shocked, a little frightened, and vulnerable all at the same time. More than anything I was super exhausted and confused.
This experience lead to a weekend full of flashbacks of when I had been sexually abused at the ages of 7, 12, 21, 22 and 23 years old, by people I knew from family members to close friends, with the exception of my 23 year old incident. I cried almost every hour of every day of this past weekend. And although this experience was created by a miscommunication, or coming from a place of pure love, I am grateful that it’s giving me the opportunity to restore, refine, and reestablish my boundaries. Not only that this experience is allowing me to feel the sadness, grief, and collective pain I feel in my body from other times I’ve allowed myself to be taken advantage of, and I’m not just talking about being taken advantaged sexually. As a result of this I have lost trust in others, and not to mention, the flipside of this is seeing where I’ve taken advantage of myself and others. The darkest shade of all.
He was the third boyfriend of my friends that has touched me in my sleep. Often my sexuality gets easily misunderstood because my sexual energy exudes from the outside. I am what the Genetic Energetics systemdefines as a “Mental/Emotional” Sexual Response Type. The other option being “Physical” Response Type. I, like Beyonce or Jennifer Lopez, who are also Mental Emotional Sexual Response, radiate sexuality from the outside and no matter what we do our sexual energy is always running on the surface. Take another celebrity like Jennifer Aniston who is a “Physical” Sexual Response, she stores her energy internally and though some of us may find her very attractive, she’s doesn’t run the sexual current that Beyonce does. She’s still the attractive girl next door but her energetic current is stored and runs very differently to Beyonce who exudes her sexuality even if she was wearing pajamas. So where am I going with this you may ask?
This incident has greatly affected me. I’m not mad, upset, and blaming him or the circumstances that propelled this manifestation. I am just desiring to learn from this experience as much as possible. It has triggered all sorts of what has felt like powerless past wounds, and most importantly I’ve been having the hardest time expressing myself lately.
It may have occurred to this individual as well as the last four that it was ok for them to touch me because I was “energetically open” by just being me naturally. I do my best to be an open and clear channel for love and light, and I also hold boundaries and set intentions for myself to protect my energy… and yes they become completely non-existent when I’m asleep. I really would like to see everyone have clear verbal agreements and requests such as, “Goddess, may I be honored by touching and caressing your soft skin,” and “Hell yes, why thank you so much for asking my knight. I feel so honored by your nobility. I am ready to be touched now! Get over here!” instead of going by an assumed notion.
I see sexuality very differently. I don’t see this experience as a bad or good thing but rather I stay neutral about it, no matter how painful it feels. Yes, I was touched without my consent, and yes I’ve been totally contracted and depressed the weekend after the wake up call but it’s making me see, feel and express in ways I’m beginning to discover about myself.
After embarking on a holistic journey of embracing my sexuality and spirituality for the last 5 years, I’ve been overwhelming shocked by how common it is for people to be sexually assaulted. Every 2 minutes an American get’s sexually assaulted. (https://www.rainn.org/statistics) By the time you’re done reading and sharing thiswell that’s considering if you read it completely, two Americans will experience some form of sexual assault. The statistic above was my first Google search to share some awareness to the imbalance there is between sexual needs being met holistically in comparison to being taken advantage of.
At the end of the day, human beings have needs and they will find a way to get them satisfied one way or another. So what can we as a collective human tribe do about that? A sex worker is after all the oldest human profession, and as we know “Sex sells”. It has become one of the largest business/industry in the United States. I think it’s time to stop denying the importance and needs of having conscious conversations around human sexuality, on an individual and collective basis. So here I am starting one of first of many threads.
The fact that my sexuality has been labeled by several as someone who is “open” or “expressive” has been a challenging misunderstanding and false advertisement. I have disappointed a few people along my path who thought I was physically and sexually interested in them, because my energy runs freely and can easily be interpreted as a, “Oh Yaaa! *Wink Wink*”. Although, I do enjoy subtle conscious energetic exchange, when it comes to sharing sexual energy on a physical level, I hold very strong boundaries, sacred intentions, and clear agreements before I ever consider going that deep, intimate, and powerfully connected. To me sexuality is a sacred energetic contract, so I gotta be sure I know what I’m signing up for.
I feel like I’m in a deep place of transition as I feel most of the people I know are too. The next venture feels powerful, new, different, and totally naked (not literally). I’ve had to take a break from writing my moon love letters and I’m glad to be back on my horse, literally this week ;), and back into writing and sharing my most recent, biggest breakthroughs and insights. One of them being calling my girlfriend and her boyfriend, and openly sharing with them how I felt about being awakened in my sleep.
It was one of the most healing conversations to have; an open, vulnerable, and transparent conversation about this incident. I needed a few days to process and my intention was to get clear, express, and be heard, something I wish I was able to do with love and assurance many other times, and lifetimes. I am super grateful to have and create the space to get these core needs met and I pray others have the space to do so for themselves, others, and the collective healing process.
If you are dealing with sexual trauma, abuse, and desiring to clear, heal, forgive, and restore your body, my heart goes out to you. If you would like to receive support from me, please send me an email at iX@Sandivel.com. I would be honored to help facilitate the restoration of your sexy spiritual union.
Lastly, a few weeks ago I did an intensive coaching certification for the School of Genetic Energetics. A science and art that uses technology and our birth dates as well as our opposite gender birthday to produce a genetic energetic report on “what” you are energetically in 4 key areas in your life. If you are interested in getting a Genetic Energetics Reading about your Sexual Response type to have a more fulfilling sex life, and in addition, knowing your Communication Style, Activity Level, and Financial Logic, the first person who emails me a iX@Sandivel will get a free reading ($250 value), and the first 8 people after that can get a reading for 50% when you mention this post. For those of you who wish to receive free profile report without coaching, click here.
Genetic Energetics is a proven science that identifies energetics patterns we are born with. These affect how you communicate, the speed you run your life and how you process information, how you manage and attract money and your sexual needs and desires. They can also identify who you will have chemistry with and if it is safe to follow your attractions.
Here’s How Genetic Energetics™ Can Help You:
▪ Ensure Energetic compatibility with others
▪ Strategies to communicate better with others
▪ Avoid the “lack of intimacy trap” within a marriage
▪ Understand trends in dating and relationships
▪ Instantly improve your sex life
▪ Overcome miscommunications with loved ones
▪ Understand your attraction factors
▪ And much, much, more…
In Ecstatic Bliss,